Loving two people at the same time is something that socially is not well seen or accepted. It involves building a triangle where one of the members is deceived, where the emotional suffering it is sometimes too high and usually ends in failure. But let's think for example of those cases that are so close to us, people who maintain a solid and stable relationship with their spouse, but nevertheless continue to remember that love from the past. That relationship that, for whatever reason, was unsuccessful. A love that persists in memory, and that, somehow, makes them “in love” with two people at the same time.
Psychologists tell us that there are many kinds of love. And even more, love in a person goes through several phases in which we can feel different emotions: passion, sexual attraction, affection ... hence it is conceivable to develop different feelings for two people at the same time. So, as experts and therapists tell us, this is a very common reality among us. We explain a little more below.
1. Consequences of loving two people at the same time
Western society marks us morality guidelines among which, it is not well seen or accepted that a person has two spouses. It is very common, however, that they have parallel and secret relationships. People who, having a stable partner, have a secret "affair". It is something that, as we already know, involves great suffering and anxiety. It supposes a betrayal towards that person with whom we maintain a commitment.
These types of situations are very common in therapists' offices. But those who experience this reality declare that the emotional cost and the suffering is usually quite high. Is about affective and cognitive experiences that require a high level of involvement, that plunge us into an asymmetric conflict that is not always easy to deal with. Let's see it in detail.
- Emotional cost: Let's put a simple case. A person cheats on his partner with a third lover. Having to maintain that double life knowing that you are betraying someone and that in turn, you cannot lead a full and normal existence with whom you have an affair, in the long term can plunge that person into a serious conflict. It is true that everything depends on the type of personality and the character itself of each individual, but no deception can be eternally maintained, and emotional consequences they will have a high cost.
- Social pressure- This is an undeniable aspect related to the idea of falling in love with two people at the same time. No one could accept that our partner, for example, had another partner. It is not typical of our culture. And even more, love usually demands exclusivity and a certain sense of implicit ownership. They are "our partners", we demand that love and sex do not go beyond the circle of the couple, that complicity that we build with each other. That is to say, we value and demand being monogamous and that our partners be monogamous as well. Hence the difficulty of accepting "that there is room for the possibility of loving two people at the same time."
2. The phases of falling in love
Authors like otto kernberg indicate that the idea of falling in love with two people at the same time would also be related to the different phases of falling in love itself. In other words, people go through different phases in which the so-called "biochemistry of love" works in different ways:
1. First phase
Here people experience an explosion of emotions. Our brain is dominated above all by two very powerful neurotransmitters such as dopamine and adrenaline, capable of plunging us into a state of semi-euphoria. We feel restless, nervous, excited. We feel nervous in the stomach, difficulty concentrating and an almost permanent obsession for that person by whom we are fascinated.
2. Second phase
In this second phase of falling in love he acts oxytocin. It is a neurotransmitter that increases in us the feeling of attachment and union. It is a more relaxed stage in which people initiate common plans, strengthen ties and strengthen their commitment. It is no longer a passionate and nervous love as the previous one, but what we know as "romantic love" is more channeled. According to psychologists, passionate love does not last more than a year and a half.
3. Third phase
Here we already enter the stage of daily attachment. There where affection prevails, a relaxed love in which stability marks that day to day without leaving momentary passion aside, but where a quiet commitment with a solid and stable future projection is more common. Adrenaline and dopamine are no longer so present, that "euphoria" no longer exists. It is somewhat more relaxed, the ties between the two members are already well established, and attachment is the pattern of that day to day. It would be, a more mature love.
We can say then that, although it is not well seen and it is not accepted, biologically and emotionally it is possible to fall in love with two people at the same time. We can, for example, be living that third phase of love with our partner and suddenly, feel that euphoria for a coworker or a friend. But now, the data indicates that they are unsuccessful relationships with a high emotional cost. Love is undoubtedly a complex dimension and difficult to dissect under the lens of a microscope in order to understand it in its entirety. We often try to differentiate it under different labels: romantic love, platonic love, passionate love ...
But remember, it is better to be prudent and try to maintain a balance in which, do not hurt anyone, and always seek your own happiness.