"In love I want wings that allow me to grow as a person, as well as roots with which to reaffirm my relationship with my partner." We are sure that all of us yearn to reach these same dimensions. They are vital needs that actually encompass the personal growth, as well as the commitment built by both members.
We know that it is not always easy to achieve it. Respecting personal needs, harmonizing them together with that vital project created within the couple, supposes combining "what is individual (mine), with what is ours (with the relationship)." Sometimes it is a challenge, and sometimes, why not deny it, it also means having to do any waiver. Let's talk about it today in Bezzia, we are sure that you will be interested.
1. Yours and mine. Ours
There are many people who start a relationship giving everything. We not only offer our love, our emotional and personal commitment, sometimes we even give up our self-esteem.
It may surprise you, but nowadays there are very often those cases that popular psychology usually classifies as "Wendy syndrome":
- Put the wishes and needs of the couple before our own.
- Play a role of "Mother-lover-caregiver", where every aspect of our couples' lives is attended to.
- This devotion, this care is exercised in freedom because that is how some women understand love. However, soon the frustration and the helplessness to see that their dedication is not recognized. And even more. Their self-esteem has been so weakened that they cannot find a way out of this situation.
We have to be careful not to fall into this type of behavior. Compensating the individual dimension with the shared bosom of the couple requires not only dialogues and agreements, it also requires a very clear "awareness" on our part.
- Yours and mine do not have to go radically separately. If I have my job it does not mean that I want to spend less time with me. My work, my interests, my friends define who I am. And what I am is what I offer you with all my sincerity and all my love.
- Mine is my personal space, which identifies me. However, my partner is also integrated into that plane of my own. Now, to harmonize these two spaces, I need respect, and above all, trust.
2. A love without attachments that gives me wings, at the same time that I rooted myself
We are sure you have already heard of the term "Attachment" related to emotional ties. In reality, this word contains something complex for many:
How can I not help but feel attached to the person I love?
Well, it actually has a number of very important explanations that are worth clarifying:
- All of us need certain attachments to feel safe, loved, and protected. Children need to strengthen the bond with their parents by developing a healthy attachment. Wherever there is support and not control or overprotection continues.
- At the couple level, the same thing happens. The moment we love someone we feel united to that person, to their world, to their customs, to their laughter and to their personality. All of these are clear examples of "Healthy attachments."
- The attachments from which we must flee are actually those loves that are obsessively needed, that do not allow spaces, and that confuse wanting with jealousy and control.
- He who dominates us the most, who is closest to us in his world and its guidelines with the blind need to "have" us, does not love us anymore. Because love is not possession or blind attachment.
- Love is offered in freedom, I offer myself to you as "a whole person" to build a life with you. Let's not make the mistake of looking for that of me "half orange", because two half people do not always make up a whole person.
- Half people have empty They expect us to complement them, and something like that ends up destroying us emotionally.
3. Build a conscious love
What do we mean by conscious love, is it that we no longer love in this way? The truth is that not always. Consider for example the romantic love, a clear example of "unconscious" love:
- To think that love is eternal, and that we all have that ideal "better half" for us.
- Confuse love with passion. To think that at the moment that passion of the first years disappears, love stops being real.
- Believe that jealousy is the highest expression of love, an authentic display of desire and possession of the partner as if it were an object.
We have to be careful with these beliefs, and practice what many relationship psychologists call "Conscious love". Take good note of what this wise expression contains:
- It is to offer ourselves to the other person in freedom, being before people who know how to manage their emotions, who do not fear loneliness, and who choose to build a life in common with other people, to enrich their existence.
- They are aware not only of their needs, but also of their partner's. They know that they need to cultivate their hobbies, continue to grow professionally, have the same friends, enjoy their personal spaces ...
- And all this is built through trust, respect, and with excellent communication.
In love, we all want wings to fly individually, to promote our personal growth. However, and in turn, we want the rooting of the person we love, and for this we need to feed those roots every day with a sincere love, and with respect.