Conflicts in the couple they happen when there are discrepancies between the two members. Different motivations, an unsolved problem, a disappointment, or even some betrayal. How to manage them? They often become the basis of our dissatisfaction, where anger, frustration and, in essence, the weakening of the bond with the loved one accumulates. Facing conflicts is essential to maintain our partner's relationship, it requires that we know how to use certain skills with which to face these discrepancies.
The collaboration of the two members is essential to solve any problem. Negotiation strategies, emotional management and techniques in conflict resolution, can help us in such situations. But we must bear in mind that there is no "magic recipe" for all couples. Each of us has our own personal circumstances and we have to decide which strategy or solution would be more suitable in each case.
The four components of conflict in couples
John gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, has dedicated part of his work to addressing the issue of conflict in couples. A first point to understand is that the conflict itself is not the real problem. What is essential is the way we manage it. The shouting, the reproaches or the scorn are not going to help us at all. This author described what he calls "The Four Horsemen", that is, the four components that provide the basis for all conflicts and that we must know how to control.
- Criticism. It is common to use criticism when we feel injured or offended. We attack our partner's personality to emphasize their flaws, to expose disagreements and hold them accountable for what happened. Sometimes we use criticism to attack the person instead of the conduct performed. Phrases like "you are irresponsible" are common in these situations. We must take it into account.
- Contempt. This would be a much more aspect reaction. After criticism, contempt, disrespect can appear. It is a very complex point in conflicts where sarcastic humor, mockery ...
- Be on the defensive. We tend to adopt defensive attitudes during conflict as a natural response, as an automatic act. The tension, the nerves, the emotions They surpass us and we are unable to listen to the other. We deny responsibilities, make excuses or rebuke complaints that do not help us manage the conflict. Both we and our partner usually present this attitude, facing it requires knowing how to recognize it first, and then trying to be more receptive and listen to each other.
- The bolt-action tactic. This behavior arises when either of the two members refuses to interact. It is a destructive strategy where we close ourselves in and offer no possibility of dialogue, of understanding. It is more common in them than in us, sometimes it is men who have the most difficulties to open up emotionally and participate in a constructive dialogue, in which to talk about their thoughts, their feelings.
Learn to manage conflict
What would be the first steps?
- The first step to face a conflict in your partner is to accept in a mature way that there is "something" in your relationship that does not work, something that does not allow you to be happy and that requires a search for solutions. The two of you must agree on this need. Recognize the problem It is the first achievement towards our goal.
- The next step is going to be start the dialogue, find a time when communication between the two is possible and comfortable for both of you. For this we have to take into account some aspects that we explain below.
Choose the right place and time for dialogue
- Both meals and bedtimeThey are not the best places or times to talk about your problems. They are not comfortable, and they are dedicated spaces for other needs. The bed, for example, is a space that we must associate with intimacy and affection with the loved one. If we start a discussion in this place, for example, we will end up associating this "negativity" with the bedroom.
- You must look for spaces in which there is privacy. It is also important that our children or other relatives are not in front of them. Also avoid places where you have already discussed before.
Methods and attitudes to manage conflict
- We must adopt a open attitude, telling ourselves that every problem has a reasonable solution.
- We should not think that conflicts only reach a solution when one of the two loses. It is not about giving in so that the other person wins. Absolutely. We are going to make an effort to gain quality of life, to learn from what happened and strengthen our relationship.
- To solve a problem we have to establish agreements.
- You must practice a active listening, controlling emotions to listen to each other.
- Both of you have to know that to find an agreement, we must not impose, threaten or intimidate. Ultimatums are never good.
- You have to know what you want to get and what you are willing to give in return. «I will do this if you in return ... I will leave this if you show me what ... »
- Do not forget to apply the empathy, You must understand yourself, but also put yourself in the place of the other (and vice versa). In this way a better understanding of emotions is achieved.
- Avoid leaving resentments hidden. Everything you feel, everything that bothers you should be said out loud.
To conclude, conflict resolution is a process of give and take. We must manage to satisfy our needs and those of the other to balance the relationship, thus reaching a point of stability where we can be favored. It is not an easy process, there is no foolproof recipe for all couples. The particular circumstances of each one of us are basic to make one choice or another. But without a doubt, love, and the need to keep holding our relation they are the best of motivators.