Happiness in marriage

Can close coexistence always keep a couple's relationship strong and harmonious or, on the contrary, deteriorate it and cause a breakup? The latest findings in the field of brain chemistry indicate that both are possible. If a couple fails to overcome the pitfalls of the various stages of marriage, they may end up separating. The breakup is often predictable because the brain dictates a series of natural reactions during each phase of the relationship. The way these stages are faced depends on whether the marriage lasts or ends.

The brain chemistry of men and women influences marriage, from the stage of infatuation to the consolidation of life as a couple. Understanding the behavioral differences that exist between men and women can be the key to making love last a lifetime.

Stage 1. Infatuation

When two people fall in love, changes occur in their brain. It greatly increases their secretion of pheromones (substances that act as signals on the senses), so when they smell or look at each other, it is as if their minds are merging. The high concentration of the hormone oxytocin can cause them to ignore or not be aware of their respective annoying behaviors, but in the end the passion diminishes and the relationship moves to another stage.

Stage 2. Disenchantment

After a few months, the brain and hormonal chemistry begin to change, and the "thinking" part of the brain - the cortex - begins to perceive the partner's shortcomings. Then we feel mutual anger, irritation and even some fear. If we get married during stage 1, in stage two we can begin to object.

As the husband adjusts himself in front of the television instead of talking to his wife, she may begin to wonder: What is he thinking? She feels rejected, especially because he has stopped revealing his emotions and feelings to her.

For his part, he does not understand why his wife has begun to criticize him for "trifles." They have been married for a few years and may already have a child. What else does she want? Although he knows he is failing at something, he cannot think of how to remedy it.

The brain substances that prevailed in the courtship and infatuation stage have dissipated, and the couple is disappointed. At that point it is easy to attribute the failure to our spouse and think: This is not the same person I married.

However, it is normal to go through this period of confusion, of depletion of chemicals in the brains of both. It is also an indispensable step for their very dissimilar minds to "merge" and begin to function in coordination.

Stage 3. Power struggle

The couple experiencing disenchantment tends to later engage in a power struggle. Both counteract chemical depletion by trying to get the other to be the way they were (or thought they were) in the infatuation stage. While this struggle lasts, they face the additional difficulty of being neurologically "different", since their respective brains make them think, behave and even love very differently.

This is a painful period, and because they are engulfed in the power struggle, the couple does not realize that their brain differences may actually be the key to their marriage lasting a lifetime.

While in this stage, the man may want more independent activities, and the woman, to have more contact with her friends. Although this tendency stems from learned gender roles and behaviors, the differences are accentuated by the effect of hormones such as testosterone and estrogens.

How does this affect the marriage? One of the main reasons why couples ruthlessly attack each other during the power struggle stage is the attitudes that men and women have regarding marital independence. Not surprisingly, many marriages that end in divorce last seven to eight years, on average - the same time each person spends trying to get their partner to "change."

However, nature does not allow us to reverse the chemical and neurological clock, and the life cycle continues its course. A new stage in the relationship begins when both spouses finally discover each other as man and woman and as lovers. For this, it is necessary that the two become aware of certain elements that had remained hidden under the surface.

Stage 4. Awakening

What many couples fail to understand is that, before assuming some independence in their relationship, there is a previous step that goes unnoticed by both. During the first three stages of marriage, the spouses maintain a very close coexistence, which cancels their respective individualities. A man may consider his wife's emotions a waste of time, as well as her need for communication, her sexual desires, and even her attitude towards housework. In turn, she may perceive her husband's habits, hobbies, work concerns, and need for independence as selfish or threatening.

During the fourth stage, the couple "wakes up": they become aware that the close proximity in which they have lived is not so healthy and that now they must separate in a psychological sense. This separation does not imply divorce: it means mutual understanding. During awakening, the thinking part of the brain prevails and counteracts emotional reactions that could lead to conflict and a feeling of grief over the loss or diminution of passion.

Thus, when a wife does something that annoys her husband, he may hold back, remain silent, and simply ignore the matter. In turn, when he does something that is annoying to his wife, she might sympathetically say, "Now I understand what this is about."

In the end, the men realize that the women are right: if there is not enough closeness, the relationship is most likely to fall apart. But men are also right: if you don't have enough independence, the same thing is likely to happen.

When we get too far away from our spouse, the love that we enjoyed at the beginning is extinguished, but the relationship will not survive either if there is such closeness that one of us prevents the other from feeling free. Understanding the benefits of male and female brain chemistry is the key to success.

Stage 5. Consolidation

The balance between the prototypical forms of relationship between man and woman constitutes a balanced state of love which I call "intimate independence." The power struggle is over, and the couple adopts the strategies of mature love, which promote independence and intimacy at the same time. Husbands now live together, raise their children, and give and receive love, but not because they have become the same, but because they have learned to be happily different.

How to promote intimacy

• They establish rites of attachment, such as going out to dinner alone, calling each other on the phone, or sending emails when either of them goes on a trip. Such habits become the pillars that sustain the relationship, but each moment of marriage does not have to be intimate always: they both know that these rites maintain the power of love when life becomes complicated and stressful.

• They treat each other with kindness and respect in at least 95 percent of their interactions. Although we tend to believe that no one deserves better treatment than our partner, when we engage in the power struggle we think rather that it should be our target to vent stress. The frontal lobes of our brain mature when we realize that kindness is essential for a happy marriage.

• They resolve their disagreements instead of letting the situation get worse. It is true that they get angry and argue, but they apologize for their temper and try to resolve conflicts. If necessary, they turn to their family and friends or to specialists for help.

How to defend independence

• They respect their eccentricities and differences, especially those of gender. If the husband hoards the remote control when they watch television, the wife, instead of getting angry, will tolerate it willingly. And when she wants to talk about her feelings, he knows how important this is to his wife and takes time to listen to her.

• They maintain their personal circle of friends (usually women in her case and men in his) and are encouraged to maintain those friendships. Eventually they come to discover that although their spouse is their best friend, many of their emotional needs are still met through other people.

• Different conjugal domains are granted. If a special activity, hobby, sport, or some form of socializing is very important to one, the other respects and encourages it. Thus, each one has their own spaces, times and activities that give them freedom and independence.

It is essential to be aware that the feelings that exist between the two of you may change over the years and that this change is normal. Brain chemistry partly determines that this happens, so trying to avoid it is futile. Better to let biology guide you toward understanding and natural, enduring love. After all, all human beings are creatures of nature, and she is undoubtedly very wise.
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