The distancing in couple relationships usually has many causes. No relationship is the same and no person is similar to another. Now, when we talk about affectivity and coexistence, there is always an aspect that stands as that base on which many problems can appear if we do not take it into account.
It is clear that nobody is a complete expert in emotional matters, in communicative management, in knowing how to deploy those adequate resources that help us to strengthen the bond between two people. The error, sometimes, is in direct our gaze to our own interior seeing only our needs, and also hoping that the other person guesses them. However, we do not wish to lengthen the mystery any further. We give you all the information below.
That mistake that almost all of us make in our relationships
To better understand the idea we want to convey to you, we will start with a simple example:
«This weekend you have a dinner with your partner's friends. However, a few days before you indicate to your partner that you do not want to go. He is surprised at first and then angrily asks you why you don't want to go.
You indicate that there are many times that he has also refused to meet with your friends, and that you are tired of giving in on things that he does not even realize. So the best thing is to stop having those meetings and for each of them to meet with their friends when they want to ».
What can we deduce from this situation?
- Apparently we suggest that each one is free to stay whenever he wants to avoid conflict, dispute. Nevertheless, it is very clear that there is a disguised discomfort.
- We feel annoyed by the original behavior of our partner (he does not accompany us when we meet our friends, or our parents ... it is just an example). However, Instead of communicating that annoyance to him at the time, we keep it to ourselves, hoping that he will notice. And for this, we return your share in the same currency.
- We limit ourselves to acting in the same way as the other person, hoping to get their attention so that they see their fault.
The destructive power of negative empathy or reverse empathy
We can define inverse or negative empathy in a very simple way: I do the same to you that you do to me so you know what it feels like, and thus, that you discover what you have been doing for a long time.
It is a very common mistake that many couples fall into, and that in fact, It begins by committing very simple things at the beginning until it leads to more serious situations. Let's think, for example, of those moments when our partners forget to notify us by message of something: that they are going to be late, that they are going here, that they are going to do this and not the other ...
What good is it for us to do the same another day, to imitate their failures? It is clear that they will also discover what it feels like, but it is not a constructive act, it is not knowing how to manage problems, and even less how to act with emotional intelligence.
- In reality, what we do is increase the pressure and the suffering.
- We establish a type of communication based on "passivity-aggressiveness". First I am a victim and then I become an executioner to cause you the same suffering.
- We seek to impose our truth on the other person by force: «you don't take me into account», «you make mistakes with me», «you prioritize yourself too much».
- What we promote day by day with these actions is not harmony, but conflict. A conflict that accumulates, can become very destructive.
Avoid the mistake of reverse empathy and practice assertiveness
We must be very clear that a problem is not solved by causing the same problem to the other person. Now, the essence of all this lies in a very common aspect: we hope the other person will figure out their mistakes for themselves, and the best way to achieve it is to make it see with our example.
It is not the right thing to do. It is a mistake not worth making. Therefore, it is important that you take these aspects into account:
People are not magicians nor do we have telepathy. It is very possible that your partner, at times, does not even realize that he has done something that has bothered you. The same goes for us.
- It is necessary that we know how to communicate and that we do not keep what bothers us. Always act assertively and in the moment. As soon as you see something that bothers you, that hurts you or that you do not see right, do not wait for the other person to find out for themselves.
- If you use reverse empathy, you will create greater tension, and the problem, far from clarifying, will become even more entrenched.
- Never make the mistake of becoming someone you are not. If the other person makes mistakes, do not imitate them, otherwise, little by little you will feel bad with your partner, and also with yourself.
Learn to communicate, to express feelings and emotions, as well as needs. Any negative emotion that is hidden makes us prisoners, we accumulate resentment and resentment always seeks guilty. It is a mistake, do not get carried away on this path and always act with balance and emotional intelligence. It's worth it.